I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
