I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
