I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
