Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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