Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
