proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
