Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
