I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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