i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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