Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
