Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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