Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
