Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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