Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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