My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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