hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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