new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
