The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
