dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
