her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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