Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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