Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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