I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
