I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
