her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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