i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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