Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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