Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
