you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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