I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
