just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
