Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
