take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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