I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
