i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
