Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
