I looked at my own cervix.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
