Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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