I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
