I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
