i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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