I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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