Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
