i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
