I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
