I bet he comes in French.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
