I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Randomize
