Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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