If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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