Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
