Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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