Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
